As a relationship coach I help singles who are at different stages of their journey. Many of my clients come to me at the end of a relationship, when they are stuck in the desperate “why has this happened to me?” cycle. They need to get over an Ex.
Getting over someone is never easy. You were in the relationship because you valued something or many things about it. If it ended unexpectedly, this is even harder. The objective is to get over your ex and to heal your heart as soon as possible in order to find someone who is a far better match.
Unfortunately I am not able to wave my wand to take the pain away instantly. Healing takes time and is a unique process for each individual. This confusing state of sadness and pain is tough, and only you can decide how long you are going to stay in this state, and when you have had enough. This will happen when you need to get into a place where your happiness and sense of comfort are greater than your pain and grief.
It is not always possible to get closure on a relationship when it ends, especially if an ex cuts the contact. You will need to find this closure yourself, and I would like to give you three tips that will help.
1. STOP LIVING IN THE PAST
It is vital to stop believing that the past was better than the present. When a relationship ends we tend to let the fantasy about the past lead us believe that everything was happier, better, more fun, and without it we are nothing.
Looking back it is clear to see that your relationships that ended probably had a great beginning. There was the “stuff” that happened in the middle, and then there was “the end”. If you look at it objectively and honestly, you will notice that it wasn’t always a bed of roses. Stop talking about the past as if it was.
2. SOME RELATIONSHIPS AREN’T MEANT TO LAST FOREVER
Unfortunately some relationships do not have what it takes to go the distance.
Not always forever
The fundamental thing to understand is that you learn so much about yourself from every relationship. There are always good and bad memories. Everything you experienced was valuable. It could be that you have learnt what work you still need to do on yourself. Perhaps you are more aware of your insecurities or aspects of communication that need more work. You may have discovered what you really do not want, and what you really do want in a future relationship.
Knowing that there is a purpose to every relationship is the first step to this awareness. As we become more introspective and dig deeper, this is clear to see. When it becomes clearer, you will feel more grateful for the time you had together and everything you learned about yourself. As you do this it’s easier to get out of the pain cycle.
If the relationship really was the right one, it wouldn’t have ended. One important fact I have learnt over the years of working with hundreds of clients is that there is ALWAYS another opportunity to find love again, and you will end up with someone who much better suited to you. I have seen this happen time and time again, and I have proven it in my own life when my relationships have ended.
Believe and trust that where you are right now is exactly where you are supposed to be.
3. SPEND TIME HEALING AND NURTURING YOURSELF
The grieving process is not for the faint-hearted and requires you to be gentle with yourself as you heal your heart again. This is the time to nurture your body, mind and soul. Make sure you are feeding your body and giving it the nutrients it needs at this stressful time.
Take time out
Take care of yourself and to put your energy into what makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Get involved in activities and focus on being present to stop the ever-circling thoughts in your head. Accept invitations to go out with friends who raise the bar in your life and who make you feel supported and loved.
Do not be tempted to rush out into the dating world again. It is possible that if you do this before you are ready that you will end up comparing your ex to everyone you date. You will know you are ready for a new relationship when you wake up loving your life and the space you are in.
Take the time now to do some soul-searching and find the part of yourself who is comfortable with being on your own.
I wish you success in getting through this difficult time.
Your partner in love